Stoatally grounded

My niche business idea is yet to materialise and i'm starting to think there are no niches left unfilled

'Scottish brewery BrewDog have packaged their latest range of beers inside dead animals the collection of roadkill includes seven stoats, four squirrels and a hare, each containing a bottle of beer at 55% ABV. More »'

How did Sir Alan do it?

Down under

I was accosted by a paedophile today, a small Indian man in a wheelchair who took it upon himself to try and put me in a wheelchair by crushing my shins against the side of the bus. It made me wonder if this is how they reproduce? he then vigorously rubbed my knee for longer than needed going 'SORRY LAD' I think we're now married.

Then an old man who looked like a mole asked me if I'd been to New Zealand, now this isn't something i often get asked on the bus so i just looked at him considering pretending to be polish, then realised he wasn't just staring at my crotch (this was descending into some sort of perverts day out...) and he was reading the canterbury logo, I think he thought they were some sort of souvenir? I ended up teaching him some Danish, we bonded.

Needless to say I'm never getting on the number 17 again.


on a brighter note.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-hate-bread-LOL-JK-im-Jamie-Willis/128660957150126

has to be the funniest thing on the internet.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KINGSTON!

get ready for another quality blog coming at you faster than herpes in Ibiza readers...

I dont think may people will be able to relate to the embarrassment of being invited to a party and having to ask for a plus one,

for your dog.

thats right, my dog is apparently incapable of being left alone in the house at night according to my mam, presumably it's scared of the dark? if it was up to me I would just slap it and call it a puff.



how could you say no to those puppy dog eyes james! you know she would have been the life and soul of the party, but, canineless, i trudged along, dog in house, dad's drink in hand, the twenty quid to stay in and dog sit in my pocket. had a birra boot with kiz-topher, and blinded libby with lager.

on a more serious note, has anyone seen Cleo?

Dear readers,

my blog isn't of as high a calibre as it originally was back in the Adit bashing days and loyal fans, i would like to apologise and take this moment to henceforth bring to you the very best in high grade blogging, lewy's right, the honeymoon period should have never ended...

Jamie's idea of doing 'a day in the life of dan' is a good one, but obviously every day, one day over and over wouldnt be that good.

but unlike Anne Frank i'm not stuck in an attic waiting for my turn to go to the ash tray, and unlike Ben mitchell on eastenders i have no secret gay crushes to write about, but, i'l give it a go

THE DIARY OF DAN FRANK. - take one



POLITICS

not as exciting as Nazis and periods but what do you expect. anyway, the long and short of it, there was some lib dem at Monument, (Ron Beadle - if he's elected he'll fight 'tooth and nail' for circuses? not the way to reach out to the electorate i would have thought, maybe hes after the monster loony vote?) so we took part in his rally, got on look north, then nicked off with his illuminous orange sign, feeling like we'd truly played a part in democracy.



LEE

APPI BURFFDAI! * all grown up, still capable of being outsmarted by a twelve week old labradoodle though. thanks for the party, and the extra sausage!




I was black for the day too, walking through Jarrow blacked up carrying a pineapple and a coconut is terrifying, the locals have never seen a black man before, never mind tropical fruit. i was pelted with stones.


SMOKING

harley has pushed me to the edge, she's got me under so much stress I have no choice but to take up smoking, i've got patches and everything, little sticky charts, i'm hoping to be on 20 a day by next wednesday...


i'm ten marlboro red down already though, i just can't work out where to put them, or what end to set alight, if anyone knows how give me a bell!

life is like a box of chocolates...

I got my hair cut today (I think that rajie got to me)

'just trim it back and leave it a bit longer at the front'

'oh sorry what was that? you want the same haircut as forrest gump you say?'

he obviously didn't say that BUT HE MIGHT ASWELL HAVE.

so if you don't see me for a while, check the back roads of alabama i'm getting my jog on.


I have nothing good to talk about lately as i'm spending my life revising,

BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW b^2-4ac can tell you how many roots there are! JUST BY WHETHER THE ANSWER IS ABOVE, BELOW OR EQUAL TO ZERO?

i know what you're thinking, stop all the excitement now Dan i don't think i can take any more...

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT, I LIKE GORDON OKAY?

even if he does look like he has bells palsy.

I can't comment on any of their policies or anything serious though I only made it about 40 minutes into their peddling of the same old rhetoric before DIY SOS seemed a better option.


Liam Foston telling his mam everyone had to shut their windows in case the Icelandic ash cloud got in and her believing him was comic gold.

Community Support Officer 9829 Gillian Gray Incident log

Statement of Mstr D Craig of North Shields


On the 14th of April 2010 at about 19:50 hours i was cycling through New York village in my finest chequered clothing and vintage footwear with my golden locks flowing through the air like the delightful strains of alex turners 1st symmphony - erstwhile known as 'mardy bum'

Then i was accosted by what could be described as a vile cretinous specimen of humanity outside of the New York and Murton working mens club (CIA affiliated)
The youth then proceeded to scream, 'HERE FUCK OFF MAN YA HIPPY, GET YA HAIR CUT' when i deigned to glance in his incandescent marlboro smoke filled lambrella clouded direction

His overall demeanor, appearance and lack of sophistication intimidated me and motivated me to change my gears up - even though i was travelling up a slight incline to ensure a safe and speedy escape from the situation