Stoatally grounded

My niche business idea is yet to materialise and i'm starting to think there are no niches left unfilled

'Scottish brewery BrewDog have packaged their latest range of beers inside dead animals the collection of roadkill includes seven stoats, four squirrels and a hare, each containing a bottle of beer at 55% ABV. More »'

How did Sir Alan do it?

Down under

I was accosted by a paedophile today, a small Indian man in a wheelchair who took it upon himself to try and put me in a wheelchair by crushing my shins against the side of the bus. It made me wonder if this is how they reproduce? he then vigorously rubbed my knee for longer than needed going 'SORRY LAD' I think we're now married.

Then an old man who looked like a mole asked me if I'd been to New Zealand, now this isn't something i often get asked on the bus so i just looked at him considering pretending to be polish, then realised he wasn't just staring at my crotch (this was descending into some sort of perverts day out...) and he was reading the canterbury logo, I think he thought they were some sort of souvenir? I ended up teaching him some Danish, we bonded.

Needless to say I'm never getting on the number 17 again.


on a brighter note.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-hate-bread-LOL-JK-im-Jamie-Willis/128660957150126

has to be the funniest thing on the internet.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KINGSTON!

get ready for another quality blog coming at you faster than herpes in Ibiza readers...

I dont think may people will be able to relate to the embarrassment of being invited to a party and having to ask for a plus one,

for your dog.

thats right, my dog is apparently incapable of being left alone in the house at night according to my mam, presumably it's scared of the dark? if it was up to me I would just slap it and call it a puff.



how could you say no to those puppy dog eyes james! you know she would have been the life and soul of the party, but, canineless, i trudged along, dog in house, dad's drink in hand, the twenty quid to stay in and dog sit in my pocket. had a birra boot with kiz-topher, and blinded libby with lager.

on a more serious note, has anyone seen Cleo?

Dear readers,

my blog isn't of as high a calibre as it originally was back in the Adit bashing days and loyal fans, i would like to apologise and take this moment to henceforth bring to you the very best in high grade blogging, lewy's right, the honeymoon period should have never ended...

Jamie's idea of doing 'a day in the life of dan' is a good one, but obviously every day, one day over and over wouldnt be that good.

but unlike Anne Frank i'm not stuck in an attic waiting for my turn to go to the ash tray, and unlike Ben mitchell on eastenders i have no secret gay crushes to write about, but, i'l give it a go

THE DIARY OF DAN FRANK. - take one



POLITICS

not as exciting as Nazis and periods but what do you expect. anyway, the long and short of it, there was some lib dem at Monument, (Ron Beadle - if he's elected he'll fight 'tooth and nail' for circuses? not the way to reach out to the electorate i would have thought, maybe hes after the monster loony vote?) so we took part in his rally, got on look north, then nicked off with his illuminous orange sign, feeling like we'd truly played a part in democracy.



LEE

APPI BURFFDAI! * all grown up, still capable of being outsmarted by a twelve week old labradoodle though. thanks for the party, and the extra sausage!




I was black for the day too, walking through Jarrow blacked up carrying a pineapple and a coconut is terrifying, the locals have never seen a black man before, never mind tropical fruit. i was pelted with stones.


SMOKING

harley has pushed me to the edge, she's got me under so much stress I have no choice but to take up smoking, i've got patches and everything, little sticky charts, i'm hoping to be on 20 a day by next wednesday...


i'm ten marlboro red down already though, i just can't work out where to put them, or what end to set alight, if anyone knows how give me a bell!

life is like a box of chocolates...

I got my hair cut today (I think that rajie got to me)

'just trim it back and leave it a bit longer at the front'

'oh sorry what was that? you want the same haircut as forrest gump you say?'

he obviously didn't say that BUT HE MIGHT ASWELL HAVE.

so if you don't see me for a while, check the back roads of alabama i'm getting my jog on.


I have nothing good to talk about lately as i'm spending my life revising,

BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW b^2-4ac can tell you how many roots there are! JUST BY WHETHER THE ANSWER IS ABOVE, BELOW OR EQUAL TO ZERO?

i know what you're thinking, stop all the excitement now Dan i don't think i can take any more...

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT, I LIKE GORDON OKAY?

even if he does look like he has bells palsy.

I can't comment on any of their policies or anything serious though I only made it about 40 minutes into their peddling of the same old rhetoric before DIY SOS seemed a better option.


Liam Foston telling his mam everyone had to shut their windows in case the Icelandic ash cloud got in and her believing him was comic gold.

Community Support Officer 9829 Gillian Gray Incident log

Statement of Mstr D Craig of North Shields


On the 14th of April 2010 at about 19:50 hours i was cycling through New York village in my finest chequered clothing and vintage footwear with my golden locks flowing through the air like the delightful strains of alex turners 1st symmphony - erstwhile known as 'mardy bum'

Then i was accosted by what could be described as a vile cretinous specimen of humanity outside of the New York and Murton working mens club (CIA affiliated)
The youth then proceeded to scream, 'HERE FUCK OFF MAN YA HIPPY, GET YA HAIR CUT' when i deigned to glance in his incandescent marlboro smoke filled lambrella clouded direction

His overall demeanor, appearance and lack of sophistication intimidated me and motivated me to change my gears up - even though i was travelling up a slight incline to ensure a safe and speedy escape from the situation

RIP Malcolm McLaren

who's Malcolm McLaren?

Niamh

pronounced: 'neeve'

why?

the world just doesn't need this pointless complication.

I'm building an ark

it hasn't stopped all day.

the reports came out today, so i intercepted the post and censored it, Jamie put his notice in today too, i think i'm going to next week i'm sick of work. i think i might just marry Storesy's mam and sponge off her. there is a spark between me and trace.

Harley got joke of the year, it's about my favourite person's fat girlfriend and the childcatcher off chitty chitty bang bang.

Jack Wills bodywarmers

are taking over the world, one pretentious prick and fat legged lass at a time, I've seen hundreds in the last few days.

I'm starting to hate town of a daytime, it's full of teenies, scenesters, queers and public school boys, especially the new bit of eldon square (which by the way, is canny lefal)

so tonight i went to Hadouken at the uni with a load of public schoolboys and surrounded by teenies and scenesters.... i proper love hypocrisy me. but it was surprisingly epic even at three pound a pint and it being Hadouken...

anti-racist bellend was outside marksies today, Harley wouldn't let me go and see him though, devastating.

I went downstairs yesterday to see all the setees in my front room upside down, then i came in tonight to my dad sitting on a deckchair and i no longer have a settee, credit crunch or what.

anti racist newspaper?

that lisping cretin on the corner of the deli annoys me.

'anti racist newspaper?'

sorry, correct me if i'm wrong, there can't be that much anti racist news in a week, its really not worth 50p, and really, i'm not too bothered about the burning anti racist issues of our society you obviously hold so dear.

'would you like to sign a petition against racism?'

you're expecting me to believe that if i put my name on your piece of paper a BNP member falls down a well or my uncle Phil gets a pint glass over his head every time he says paki down the club. no. that's not how the world works.

'what will that do?' 'it will get you on our mailing list'

oh so its not a petition anyway, how do you expect me to buy your newspapers lisping cretin when you lie to me so. are you even anti racist? i don't even know what to think anymore, i always thought the pointy white hat and flowing robes were a bit suspect but that wallpaper pasting table in a back lane covered in assorted shite has a certain 'TRUST ME' factor.

in short you're a bit of a wanker. get your life sorted.


i saw spacker dave tonight, he was walking along malvern road at quarter to ten with three bags of shopping. sometimes i suspect hes not all there.

because of my sheer lack of being able to save for leeds, i'm stuck in on a friday watching QI and playing sim city. LEFAL.

How hard is it to spell college

if i had a quid for every time somebody wrote how shit 'collage is' i'd be canny rich.

i'll have to admit it's not my favourite artistic medium either.

if you can't spell college, you shouldn't be allowed in it. not even for any kind of pointless media or air hostessing course which is only useful to get you on the dole.

so i'm proposing new entrance requirements, do away with GCSEs and replace them with a simple spelling test.

then you can complain about collages all you want while you're collecting the wheelie bins.

peace out. x

there was a thing on telly tonight about little one legged indian orphans with every disease and problem under the sun looking for needles on bombay landfills for fifty pence a day.

i was jealous. JD get your wages sorted.

Nathan Smith

"don't get me wrong, I'm as big of a fan of Nazi Germany as much as the next racist, but not when I feel like I am the Jew!"

genius.

by the way, if you didnt get the last title, FAYE, then youre lifting and should fuck off.

whats been up ****** ******* this week!

moving on from the heady days of kitchen utensils in her personal areas.

these days, an ucooked hot dog and a chicken nugget are rumoured to be up there...

cheers devo g!

theres a group on facebook, 'we thought sixth form would be like skins, now we realise its more like the inbetweeners.'

i dont know about yours but mines like a UN convention on poverty, scruffy somalians lurking in corners and a sea of tea towells in the lifts.

Clarky let slip she flirts with the lesbian metro inspector that looks like an onion to avoid getting fined. dirty.

I am FRUIT-BATMAN! sort of. unlike jake woods woho is a fruit light weight. i tried to prove I could go a full week just eating fruit. i lasted half a day.

Borgeous took her COCK scarf back, she tried to wriggle out of telling the man why, but i kindly pointed it out for her because I'm that nice. 'IT'S GOT COCKS ON IT'

BUT... it made me miss this.

C h a r l o t t e :) says:
*awhhh did you not even hear about it you reject
*it was proper naughty hahah
*on the first floor . these paki kids just started going wild , like 10 of them on to one. they all picked up chairs and tables and that and were pure smacking people with them hahaha ! then the cleaners came and tried to stop them and one of them waas like " STOPPP FIGHTING PLEASEE :'(" and hitting them with her mop .
*lmfao!
*no way it was one of the single greatest moments of my life!
*chuffed i did like cos i was going to go to town haha
*sexton came in like 20 minutes after looked concerned at all of the broken chairs then just sort of shrugged and walked out hahah
*he reminds me of the head of 6th form in skins

naughty.

Procrastination.

oh how i love you.

but not any more. armed with my to do list im going to get stuff done.

booya.

as seen on MTV cribs,

Lewy Weatherley, I love you (and your wardrobe the size of my bedroom.) Happy Birthday again big man :) xxxxxxx

I have a dilemma.

i need to be in Woolsington by 6, i finish work at half 7.

so im going to blog about and hope it goes round the world so fast it changes the laws of physics and makes me on time.

big Keith would be proud of me.

Tom Albrighton

this blog is dedicated to you.

i felt like a proper blogging philistine when i read Hollie lees and Chloe Taylor's proper serious blogs, but you brought me back to ground with yours and now its back to having a beard like Methuselah before i write a blog with a point.

Jamie T was canny good, I'm still buzzing i managed to get a ticket - by the way, Jake woods you are an absolute mess.



Anna I think i should join you when you take pictures at the cluny. my Gig photos are always immense.

Apparently i look like Chris Wilcock, and Russell Howard could be our uncle. i doubt it somehow.

inabit x

2-0

but i missed it :(

John David sports and fashion PLC i would like to be fully reimbursed for my season ticket.

TWOCing Grannies.

aye josh, aye.

i did nothing today. work is wank. that is all.

PHYSICS NERD

me and jake finished before physics double team FAG-SAG today, (fat asian girl, skinny asian girl) we did set ours on fire though which is something they had over us. they reek anyway.

new game: human buckaroo.







three pillows, a bean bag, a remote, and a boat. nice one lees!

ive found a new way to stop customers messing the shop up at work.

lock them in the changing rooms.

i did it twice tonight by accident, once to johns brother, sorry john.

carrie wanted to be in this blog.



there you go.

i'm in love.

i think im developing a thing for tazlema on muslim driving school. i just cant get enough of her.

*i have no inspiring things to tell you tonight
*except that
*I WAS SICK 4 times today and i really loved it
*i even missed the sink the first time
*and it came through my nose and everything

joe comes out with some canny inspiring stuff, he should write a book or something.

another post.

Burgers has inspired me to do my blog again but I dont know what to write. i think my blog needs a theme. I think it should be style tips for the colour blind, sorry Burgess had to get that in there.

im going to write about everyones favourite subject: Me.

HAHAHA first though, i told joe to inspire me, he came back with,

*here this might inspire you
*a couple of my mates were at wor zak craigs the other night
*they pissed on his pillows, all over his walls and on his xbox, also one of them had a shit in his shower
*there
*?

that banter is immense.

unlike Adit Mitra's, he tried to take the piss out of me today, he has no banter, unlike me with more craic than a mud hut in Haiti, he was also wearing some sort of bin bag. I jipped him to fuck.

i hope youre crying now Adit.

aye anyway getting back to the good bit, Me.

i dont have piss on my pillows.

i failed my exams last week, worse than i was expecting, i think i even failed general studies. aparently im on stage one disciplinary for not going to any lessons or doing any work for it since october, i think this means fuck all though so im going to continue blissfully unaware of my own failure.

it was joannas birthday some point last week, i bought her a pitcher of something yellow and alcoholic, then got kicked out the sal, mostly due to the fact callum looks like maddie mcanns younger brother. i think helen necked it.

we went for a meal too, one of the greasy turkish waiters that looked like he slept under the deep fat fryer at quality pizza katie had got into at sammy jacks, happy days.

I also found out the other day that hollie lees is a crack addict. it was unexpected.

ive ran out of banter, so ill tell you a joke.

josef fritzl has brought out a book, i bet its a best cellar.

wheeeey scraping the barrel or what dan.

i can now see why everyones blogs are shit. theyre too hard to write. i cant write anything, especially on paper, i have the hand writing of a blind ethiopian amputee. i wrote a letter the other day acctually. i bought a 'sausage sandwich' from the refectory. it was a bun, with a sausage on top. she hadnt even bothered to close the bun, so disgusted i set about complaining. i got my paper plate and wrote -

'dear college, your sausage sandwiches are shit, you should be ashamed at yourselves, yours sincerely, dan.'

joe drew sexton on the back. it looked like a black clown with an extra chromosone though. then i hid it behind the oasis.

stick it to the man.

i need a courteeners standing ticket, i promised jonny one for his birthday, ive got more chance getting ahold of usain bolts shoe laces though.

peace out mandem. - i need more melanin to keep getting away with this.

x

An Apology

to all avid followers of my other blog, (Nathan, who saw it once.) i lost it. which is easier to do than you might think. So this is my new blog, Auld Lang Syne and all that, a new year a new blog. not that i'm turning over a new leaf or anything i'll just neglect this one just as badly and eventually lose it into the murky depths of cyberspace, like bebo pictures of a 13 year old girl stolen by a turkish pervert, but it's worth a try.